Music Makes Me Lose Control ♥

Saturday, July 19, 2008,1:16 AM

i have no idea why this is so difficult. i shouldn't even have to make a choice. i should just know and be. but now im so confused. life changing decision.

and you.i hate you.you know exactly what you're doing and everyone falls for it.i hate you.but it's not your fault.

Monday, May 26, 2008,8:36 PM

Hello YOU! I can't believe you're still visiting my blog after I haven't updated for 12345678987654321 years :D Either you're very bored or I'm very popular :)

Anyway, I got an LJ! Why? I don't know either :( I don't feel like abandoning my blogspot. Or maybe I will. I don't know. But change is good :) Check it out if you want. prongsiedongs.livejournal.com

Flying off to the US tomorrow morn. Back on the 8th.

Sunday, May 18, 2008,10:26 PM

I will start studying for block test tomorrow :) Yup. I'll start with differentiation for math, japanese occupation for history, poetry analysis for lit and err... screw econs. I don't really know what I've been studying for econs :/ my notes are just a jumbled mess of whatever Barnard decided to ramble on about that day. But whatever :) I'm starting tomorrow! :D That always sounds productive.

Going to US from 27th may to 8th june. I was really looking forward to it when I signed up but when I realised how much I'll be missing (OAC bike hike, precious mugging time, random cat-sitting job) I kind of regretted it... It is a bit long... but the itinerary looks pretty cool. So we'll see.

I'm sick of American Idol. The season marathon has been playing on Star World for 2 whole days and my mother seems to find it a most satisfying form of entertainment. I used to support David Archuleta but I'm now incurably sick of his saccharine squint-eyed grin. Get that kid back to school.

I just realised how much I love HP. I guess I always run the risk of sounding elitist when I say that but as far as I know, people always read too much into it. I'm surrounded by some seriously talented people and sometimes it feels like a privilege just to be in their presence. And we get a ridiculous amount of freedom. It just feels like the best way to be preparing for As. Yup. So I've somehow come to the conclusion that I should be studying very hard :) I dunno... it's just that... it doesn't feel right if we let the tutors and our history of exellence down. The tradition of decadence is easy but it's the combination of the 2 that makes us HCHP :)

Saturday, May 17, 2008,2:24 AM

Shake! ticket: $7
How the Other Half Loves ticket: $8
Watching How the Other Half Loves 2 nights in a row: Priceless.

SCREW DANCE. I'M WATCHING

DRAMA AGAIN TONIGHT.

Monday, May 05, 2008,11:50 PM

Woohoo.I don't really feel the need to bog anymore but anyway...

Erm. Life's been boring. Mr Miles came back today and gave us 18 pages of reading to be digested by tomorrow, there may or may not be an econs test on I-don't-know-what-topic tomorrow and I've been struggling through math. I'm trying. Like really trying. Looked through the tomorrow's lesson and the future looks bleak. Yup.

Erm. CCA. I'm land chief. Yay. Woopdedo. No sarcasm. Quite happy. Really. I was inspired by shuliang to run for this post and I got it so yipeekikay. Atlantis aka mad race around Singapore. It was fun in the beginning, got depressing towards the end but was quite an experience really. I've never barged in and out of MRT stations at the rate of 3/hour. Ok I'm exaggerating. But the moolah in my EZlink dropped from $15+ to & 12+. I think we looked like a bunch of delinquents being chased by the police. People were actually staring at us as we ran through the atrium of vivo about 6 times. But it was cool. Got to go to some places I've always wanted to check out but never had the chance/excuse to like sembawang hot springs where we got a free soft boiled egg :) Yummy. I shall have one for breakfast tomorrow. Talking about breakfast, today I had the ubiquitous YLTC breakfast of white bread with uneven lumps of nutella :)

JC's quite f-ed up considering I'm struggling through lit which has never happened once in my entire life and math quite literally stuns me. And I've got 3 concerts to attend in 2 weeks. Sounds like a good thing. I guess it is but the timing is crazy.

It's only after leaving nanyang do I realise it really was a great place. Yeah yeah laugh. But it was very nurturing and tolerant. For me at least. And I think they've done a great job with the IP syllabus. The only bad thing about it is it doesn't prepare you for the shock of JC. After 4 years of alot of open-endedness and freedom to explore and bring your interests into your learning, A levels feels like a brutal fill-in-the-right-answer boot camp. I suppose I'm spoilt after all that mollycoddling of do-what-you-like. But i feel that's what education should be about. Or am I just being bitter that I can't cope?

And despite all the jokes about nanyang's communist and traditional shit, I think most of the student and teacher population is way more liberal and accepting than the general public. And we were founded as a revolutionary girls' school anyway. What'cha talking 'bout traditional? In JC... Maybe, it's the guys who are more unaccepting. I feel there's this underlying hostility towards GLBTs. And some people openly and readily admit to hating them. Geez. Step into the 21st century.

And "Multiracial we study together"? "Many races we shall gather"? What kind of bullshit is that? It's laughable in more ways than one. If I had anything but yellow skin I would have died from neglect a long time ago. There is absolutely no effort made to integrate the other races into the school. All but one of the college songs are in chinese and no one, not the councillors nor teachers nor (and I must admit it) students care that during MAF, orientation or other school events, there are random malay/indian students in our midst who are being excluded while we sing about lighting up our hearts in yellow cities. Hah. There you go. Yellow. Our goddamn batch song is in bloody chinese for heaven's sake (yeah there's an english part but big deal. the first half, bridges and chorus are in chinese. no one wants to learn less than half a song.) "Multiracial"? Let's see... 4 relevant council events of the year... Orientation 1 and 2 (teach j1s to sing chinese songs!) Chinese(!) New Year, Mid-Autumn Festival (now everybody knows the songs and can all sing together!). Oh what opportunities to learn about our fellow races in these hallowed halls of multiracialism. Plus all the random morning announcements made in chinese. Yeah it may be about the chinese magazine or theatre and may not concern the non-chinese but as a "multiracial" school surely the non-chinese have a right to know what's going on. Puh-lease. If you're a chinese school you're a chinese school. Stop selling your soul just to get on the international stage.

Wow. That has got to be my randomest rant ever. Please don't get me wrong. I love Hwa Chong to bits. Seriously. I probably love it more than the average student or (dare I say it?) teacher. I'm always proud to tell people where I'm from. All the college songs I could possibly have in my ipod are in there and I listen to them on a regular basis, know most of the lyrics too. I sing the school songs (esp the chinese one) every week. Most importantly, I hate green with a vengeance. But I hate it because it's so easy for me to feel so at home, so loyal while a fellow Hwa Chong student who has a right to this sense of solidarity is being disregarded and ignored despite all these verbal claims to the contrary.

Ahh. It's 11.48. I just wasted 1.5 hours on the comp. I must stop blogging and reading random wikipedia and uncyclopedia articles.

Back to the rat race.

Sunday, April 20, 2008,1:19 AM

I'm feeling...depressed. But it's good. I haven't felt depressed in a long, long time and I'm actually relishing it. Pain really is beautiful. Not in the cutting myself sense but this deep ...trench. It sucks you in and the swell of swell of emotions is so addictive.

It means I'm feeling something. I think I've been shutting out my emotions for too long. Everytime an irrational, overriding feeling came up, I would push it away though I guess they never really disappeared. I remember how I used to be touched by movies, music, literature. But it all suddenly went away one day when I decided it was better to put up a wall of solitude and strength to face the world. Suddenly all the romantic dreams and hopes were gone. I killed them. I crushed my own dreams. I stopped myself from dreaming. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I was afraid. I thought emotions were weak, to be exploited. The need to be rational...to be realistic and pragmatic. It just gets rubbed in your face every moment of every day and I suppose I succumbed. And because if you don't dream, you can't get hurt. But then you slowly stop feeling as well.

When you're depressed, it's because you have dreams of a better someplace, sometime and you can't be there. So it's good. I'm dreaming again.

Phew. Emotional mumbojumbo. That long second prapgraph was actually typed out as stream of consciousness. I think it turned out pretty good for supposedly uncontrolled thought :D I'm feeling really happy now. I'm feeling so alive, like I haven't felt in a long time. Sick. That's what I've been. I've been sick of the world but I never knew it because I was trying too hard to keep my emotions in check. I think that's also why I haven't been writing. I've been strangling my creative genius :o What happened to runaways and homeless artistes and the cold street in winter and the lone traveller walking in the moonlight? The stuff dreams are made of.

YES I TELL YOU I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF NOW. I AM FUCKING ALIVE AND YOUNG. FUCK YOU I WIN.

The good die young I tell you. The good die young.

Anyway. The song I heard that caused this emotional reawakening and outburst was a cover version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The lyrics are so poignant and loaded that the facade that stood for years and years just crumbled in its prescence. Erm. I'll put them here though I doubt they'll be read because I know I don't read lyrics that people put in their posts. I find them bloody irritating especially when they're under LJ cuts. But though they're a pile of jumbled crap to me, they must have meant alot to the author. Lyrics always do.

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Wednesday, April 16, 2008,11:48 AM

I am officially on sick leave for the first time this year! Woohoo!

Sore throat and fever :( I think it's a result of YLnight cos i lost my voice after all the yelling and my throat's been feeling uncomfortable since.Bleh.

OAC interview yesterday. Oh my god I couldn't have been more retarded if I tried. I was fidgeting so badly which is barely acceptable if you're sitting behind a table but not when you're in the middle of the room with everyone looking at you. I've realised that I'm very, very bad in interviews. The last 2 times I had scholarship interviews I didn't get either.This is baad... Ok it's too painful to think about it. Next.

YLnight pictures! I think I'll upload them later cos I'm supposed to be doing work now. I took only 50+ pics I think? Which is extremely little. Oh well. I'm counting on the seniors for scandalous pics of exes :D