Music Makes Me Lose Control ♥

Sunday, April 20, 2008,1:19 AM

I'm feeling...depressed. But it's good. I haven't felt depressed in a long, long time and I'm actually relishing it. Pain really is beautiful. Not in the cutting myself sense but this deep ...trench. It sucks you in and the swell of swell of emotions is so addictive.

It means I'm feeling something. I think I've been shutting out my emotions for too long. Everytime an irrational, overriding feeling came up, I would push it away though I guess they never really disappeared. I remember how I used to be touched by movies, music, literature. But it all suddenly went away one day when I decided it was better to put up a wall of solitude and strength to face the world. Suddenly all the romantic dreams and hopes were gone. I killed them. I crushed my own dreams. I stopped myself from dreaming. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I was afraid. I thought emotions were weak, to be exploited. The need to be rational...to be realistic and pragmatic. It just gets rubbed in your face every moment of every day and I suppose I succumbed. And because if you don't dream, you can't get hurt. But then you slowly stop feeling as well.

When you're depressed, it's because you have dreams of a better someplace, sometime and you can't be there. So it's good. I'm dreaming again.

Phew. Emotional mumbojumbo. That long second prapgraph was actually typed out as stream of consciousness. I think it turned out pretty good for supposedly uncontrolled thought :D I'm feeling really happy now. I'm feeling so alive, like I haven't felt in a long time. Sick. That's what I've been. I've been sick of the world but I never knew it because I was trying too hard to keep my emotions in check. I think that's also why I haven't been writing. I've been strangling my creative genius :o What happened to runaways and homeless artistes and the cold street in winter and the lone traveller walking in the moonlight? The stuff dreams are made of.

YES I TELL YOU I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF NOW. I AM FUCKING ALIVE AND YOUNG. FUCK YOU I WIN.

The good die young I tell you. The good die young.

Anyway. The song I heard that caused this emotional reawakening and outburst was a cover version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The lyrics are so poignant and loaded that the facade that stood for years and years just crumbled in its prescence. Erm. I'll put them here though I doubt they'll be read because I know I don't read lyrics that people put in their posts. I find them bloody irritating especially when they're under LJ cuts. But though they're a pile of jumbled crap to me, they must have meant alot to the author. Lyrics always do.

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Wednesday, April 16, 2008,11:48 AM

I am officially on sick leave for the first time this year! Woohoo!

Sore throat and fever :( I think it's a result of YLnight cos i lost my voice after all the yelling and my throat's been feeling uncomfortable since.Bleh.

OAC interview yesterday. Oh my god I couldn't have been more retarded if I tried. I was fidgeting so badly which is barely acceptable if you're sitting behind a table but not when you're in the middle of the room with everyone looking at you. I've realised that I'm very, very bad in interviews. The last 2 times I had scholarship interviews I didn't get either.This is baad... Ok it's too painful to think about it. Next.

YLnight pictures! I think I'll upload them later cos I'm supposed to be doing work now. I took only 50+ pics I think? Which is extremely little. Oh well. I'm counting on the seniors for scandalous pics of exes :D

Friday, April 11, 2008,10:52 PM

i have decided to document my jc life pictorially :) it's just too short and im so afraid that i'll forget the little things that i shouldnt.so for a start, i shall post some of the pictures i've taken recently but they'll mostly go into a scrapbook for when i'm old and alzheimic.

The darkened classroom I face every morning

The Teachers:

Mr Barnard looking his most intimidating for the picture

Mr Perry looking lecherous

Mr Miles~~ :D So cute right :)

Ultimate Math Tutor Mr Wang Teng Yao

Ultimate Math Tutor Mr Wang Teng Yao hard at work

Lessons:

Perry Lit

Clearing Out of LT5 after Perry Lit

History in the Smelly Room!

Random:

Eating in the canteen.

Mugging in the library

Giving out invites for YL Night:
I only managed to take pictures of the aftermath of this cos I forgot all about my camera and rushed back to class to get it only when all the invites had been given out. By then most of the diligent seniors had rushed off to class, determined not to be even a minute late and the brief excitement and frenzy was over. Still, it was incredibly fun. Through deductive logic, all the seniors you see in these photos are slackers :)

Doesn't look Marilyn share an amazing resemblance with the parrot??? She was upset for not getting a picture of DBSK :P

Waterpolo match:
Though we didn't win this one,i'm still very proud of our team :) They acted so much more gentlemanly and sportsmanlike than whatever school it was that won :)

Team Hwa Chong!

Enthusiastically cheering councillors

The Hwa Chong Crowd

Swim Hwa Chong, Swim!

Yup. That's about it for now. Man it takes long to upload photos. I've realised that I ever since I've started documenting my life, people have been less willing to look at me.
Evidence 1)

Evidence 2)

Evidence 3)

I must be less popular than I imagine.

Anyway. YL night this Sunday! YAY! :D

Math test on mon...
...
...
DOOM.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008,12:16 AM

After my remarkable feat of not studying past 10.30pm for 4 years in nanyang, i've finally succumbed to the horrors of a jc education and changed my sleeping pattern drastically! I shall be getting 5.5 hours of sleep every night instead of my usual 7 :( How to survive like that?~! It's not that I don't want to stay up late to study. It's just that if I don't get enough sleep I'll stone through every single lesson the next day D: But the workload in jc is seriously imba.There's no way I can accomplish anything by 10.30pm. So bye bye beauty sleep. See you on saturday :(

And for the first time in my life, I have to study for lit. Who the hell studies for lit?! Lit's supposed to be a joke. You go into the lessons to have fun and write some choice coherent nonsense during the exams to get an obligatory mark in your report book. No one studies for lit!!! And now here I am, reading reference books for John Donne poetry :(

On the other hand, I've found that studing for econs really helps :P I now understand Barnard economics! :D Hah. He can't fool me with his fanciful prancing about and repetition of the same concept in 3 different manners. I studied. I must try that with history some time.

Oh. Talking about history. I pranked Miles today :D I got some really sleazy looking ads for escort services and put it in his file, hoping he'll take them out during lesson time but it turns out I put it in the wrong file and he brought that to the IT seminar the teachers had today. So when he pulled out his papers, the ads conveniently fluttered out in front of everyone. He came and complained to us during history but he doesn't know who did it :D

Ok it's past midnight. I'm gonna sleep -_-ZZZ